Solid start at The Britannia

Angus, obviously...

Right, now we're talking... a pub that actually serves burgers when you want them; i.e. a Friday afternoon when you can't be arsed seeing-out the working week and can't find anything lurking in the fridge for lunch.

Hackney's The Britannia on Victoria Park Road has an unfussy four-strong burger menu, whose lamb option was tempting, I admit. But for the sake of scientific rigour, I feel this blog needs to compare like for like, and therefore must stay strictly BEEF.

So, the Angus it was. And the Angus was good. Especially on first impressions:

Chip buckets: bit passé these days, don't you think?

I'll keep things simple first time round and review this particular specimen according to my Five Simple Rules For The Burger, ordered in keeping with your burger experience...

1. Jaw compatibility

Yes, height is impressive, but it just isn't a proper burger if you can't pick it up and stick it comfortably into your mouth. (And don't get me started on people who cut it in half. Or, perish the thought, eat it entirely with cutlery.)

Rating: 1 out of 5. I had to remove nearly all of the flora in order to eat the fauna. And even then, it was a struggle.

2. Rarity

Health and safety be damned: you must be able to prescribe your preferred degree of rarity, or indeed lack thereof. Yes, given the nature of minced beef, the inside of a burger has at some point been exposed to airborne germs, so unlike a solid hunk of steak, should probably be cooked through. But my theory is that if it's a quality establishment, raw interior mince should still be safe. So risk a day on the shitter and go for medium rare every time. 

Rating: 5 out of 5. Nicely seasoned (though perhaps too much rosemary), coursely ground beef, cooked perfectly to request.

See? Nicely pink. Rule Britannia.

3. Bun to burger ratio

No one likes a first bite that's all bun. The burger diameter should match bun diameter. Hardly rocket science, but so many fall at this critical, oft-overlooked hurdle.

Rating: 4 out of 5.

4. Bun integrity

Bun, bun, bun: so important. It is the conveyance, the vessel, the fur coat... And it should never disintegrate leaving you with the indignity of meaty fingers. On the other hand, it should never be so firm as to resist your bite and squash your preferred liquid condiment outwards and down your arm.

Rating: 3 out of 5. The Britannia's was a well-baked, tasty bun without seeds (seeded buns are so common, so "damp English barbecue") but toasted far too much; my arm was thoroughly mayonnaised I regret to report.

5. Chips

Never fries – always chips. And at least double-fried. 

Rating: 4 out of 5. The Britannia leaves the skins on – nice, artisanal touch – but their chips' twee mini-bucket is a tired gastropub cliché. Bring back baskets I say.

Overall rating: 3.4 out of 5.

The Britannia

360 Victoria Park Road, London E9 7BT

020 8533 0040

www.thebritanniapub.co.uk