No chips at Lucky Chip

Cheeseburger, please.

Yet to venture beyond the confines of impossibly hip and occasionally irritating Hackney, my burger quest has progressed to Lucky Chip in Netil "Market", off Mare Street. I say "Market" with "apostrophes" because it's really just a car park with tatty stalls selling tat, and a bloke covered in oil who fixes local hipsters' fixie bikes. Really, the only reason anyone bothers visiting is cult food-van phenomenon, Lucky Chip.

Netil Market: like Glastonbury, but in a car park.

On further investigation, Netil Market is actually an offshoot of Netil House, which is a derelict Sixties office block full of "creatives" who have seemingly earned squatters' rights and set up a hot-tub cinema on the roof (...and you think I'm joking). Either way, it's quickly apparent that without Lucky Chip and its fully occupied plastic garden furniture, Netil Market would be nothing. And that's down to their quite superlative cheeseburgers; a snip at £6.50 and lovingly crafted by two bearded chaps, whose precise, hunched activity behind the counter reminded me of the Chemical Brothers, or Orbital, or any other double-act stadium DJ act from the Nineties.

And the burger itself? As the blonde so elegantly observed, it's best described as a high-end version of McDonalds' quarter pounder with cheese. All the same condiments and garnishes, just done with superlative ingredients and cooked to perfection (i.e., medium rare). The big let-down, however? Just far too much condiment and garnish. The pickled gherkins, mustard and ketchup all overpowered the tender, pink beef, and the shredded lettuce (I told you it was like McDonalds) flicked sauce all over my face, necessitating 3 napkins. A good burger should never require more than 1 napkin.

Yes, no chips. Regretful decision, but I'd just had my breakfast.

Interesting footnote: Lucky Chip's superstar DJs, sorry, chefs have a clever cooking technique. While frying each side of the patty on a very hot plate, they stick a waiter's dome over the top, so that moist, charred, flavoursome smoke is trapped and re-infuses the meat.

God, I'm starving.


Lucky Chip
Netil Market
13-23 Westgate Street, London, E8 3RL
http://netilmarket.tumblr.com

Also, Lucky Chip have a residency at:

Sebright Arms
31-35 Coate St, 
London
, E2 9AG
020 7729 0937
www.sebrightarms.co.uk

Solid start at The Britannia

Angus, obviously...

Right, now we're talking... a pub that actually serves burgers when you want them; i.e. a Friday afternoon when you can't be arsed seeing-out the working week and can't find anything lurking in the fridge for lunch.

Hackney's The Britannia on Victoria Park Road has an unfussy four-strong burger menu, whose lamb option was tempting, I admit. But for the sake of scientific rigour, I feel this blog needs to compare like for like, and therefore must stay strictly BEEF.

So, the Angus it was. And the Angus was good. Especially on first impressions:

Chip buckets: bit passé these days, don't you think?

I'll keep things simple first time round and review this particular specimen according to my Five Simple Rules For The Burger, ordered in keeping with your burger experience...

1. Jaw compatibility

Yes, height is impressive, but it just isn't a proper burger if you can't pick it up and stick it comfortably into your mouth. (And don't get me started on people who cut it in half. Or, perish the thought, eat it entirely with cutlery.)

Rating: 1 out of 5. I had to remove nearly all of the flora in order to eat the fauna. And even then, it was a struggle.

2. Rarity

Health and safety be damned: you must be able to prescribe your preferred degree of rarity, or indeed lack thereof. Yes, given the nature of minced beef, the inside of a burger has at some point been exposed to airborne germs, so unlike a solid hunk of steak, should probably be cooked through. But my theory is that if it's a quality establishment, raw interior mince should still be safe. So risk a day on the shitter and go for medium rare every time. 

Rating: 5 out of 5. Nicely seasoned (though perhaps too much rosemary), coursely ground beef, cooked perfectly to request.

See? Nicely pink. Rule Britannia.

3. Bun to burger ratio

No one likes a first bite that's all bun. The burger diameter should match bun diameter. Hardly rocket science, but so many fall at this critical, oft-overlooked hurdle.

Rating: 4 out of 5.

4. Bun integrity

Bun, bun, bun: so important. It is the conveyance, the vessel, the fur coat... And it should never disintegrate leaving you with the indignity of meaty fingers. On the other hand, it should never be so firm as to resist your bite and squash your preferred liquid condiment outwards and down your arm.

Rating: 3 out of 5. The Britannia's was a well-baked, tasty bun without seeds (seeded buns are so common, so "damp English barbecue") but toasted far too much; my arm was thoroughly mayonnaised I regret to report.

5. Chips

Never fries – always chips. And at least double-fried. 

Rating: 4 out of 5. The Britannia leaves the skins on – nice, artisanal touch – but their chips' twee mini-bucket is a tired gastropub cliché. Bring back baskets I say.

Overall rating: 3.4 out of 5.

The Britannia

360 Victoria Park Road, London E9 7BT

020 8533 0040

www.thebritanniapub.co.uk

Non-starter at the Dog & Bull

I was looking forward to bestowing my beloved hometown of Croydon with the distinct and noble honour of hosting my inaugural AlexLikesBurgers review – but, as it transpired yesterday evening, the Dog & Bull on Surrey Street operates a farcical burger-hours policy: last orders at 7.45pm. That's right: A QUARTER TO EIGHT IN THE EVENING. In Spain, that's practically lunchtime still. The jobsworth "chef" – a youth who can only be described as Snoop Dogg with a helium chav patois – told me that I could come back tomorrow if I liked, because he'd be serving burgers again then. No shit, Snoop – that does tend to be modus operandi for hostelries advertising food and drink on a daily basis.

Still, it was nice to catch up with a childhood friend I hadn't seen for 15 years, and enjoy the evening sun in the Dog & Bull's quite-nice-for-Croydon beer garden. Hopefully, one day, I'll have one of their burgers.... And it'd better be good.

Not bad for Croydon

The quest begins...

I nurture a unhealthy obsession with burgers; an obsession whose unhealthiness I'm attempting to veil as vital research for the good of humanity. With waistline altruistically expanding, I now plan on documenting my quest for the perfect burger in the hope we can all make the world a better place by knowing more about the humble hamburger: where to find a decent one, what makes a crap one, how to make the perfect one, why bacon is a no-no, and the all-important issue of bun integrity. Stand by, people.... things are about to get meaty.

Wrong.

Right.